hanamichi_1989

26th May concludes my first academic year in London. I guess it'll be appropriate to record maybe an aspect of each of the disciplines before they rest in a cozy corner at the back of my mind.

In contract law, I learnt that the person who broke the promise may not always be the one at fault. 

In public law, I realised that humans' distrust in one another is innate. 

In property law, I understood that law is never equitable, it cannot ever be. 

In criminal law, I accepted that the greatest injustice possible is failing to protect the immoral from the moral. 

Whilst we conceive law as a means to uphold what is just and fair, and that we consider the latter values to be set in stone, it is only logical to thus deduce that law is never justice or fairness. In the immortal words of the judge I love to hate the most, 

"If we never do anything which has not been done before, we shall never get anywhere. The law will stand still whilst the rest of the world goes on; and that will be bad for both."
- Lord Denning in Packer v. Packer [1954] P. 15 at 22.
 
Law is so much more. 

I was trying to explain to my American friends yesterday how winning 6 seats out of 87 in the parliament was the biggest victory for the opposition since the independence of Singapore. Before the results for Aljunied was announced by overnight celebrity Yam Ah Mee, Alex comment on the live telecast on CNA, "I like how the newscaster pretend as though she doesn't already know the outcome." I realised, then, that I did not know how to explain the significance of the battle for Aljunied to him.

When the numbers were revealed, I was honestly taken aback for a moment; not because I didn't think WP had a chance to win but that I wasn't sure if I was ready for this moment. MM Lee said in one of his interviews that if people of Aljunied voted for the opposition, they will spend 5 years repenting. I am very certain that this cannot be further from the truth. After all, MM Lee is still in Parliament and the ruling party still took 81 out of 87 seats. By parliamentary procedures, they are, in every way, still in control. 

So why the overwhelming cheer when Hougang and Aljunied secured 6 seats for the opposition? Why, especially, the thunderous applause from the very voters who know that they had voted out a good foreign minister in exchange for delayed upgrades, renovations and welfare? The electorate of Aljunied didn't stand up for change; they didn't vote to oppose the ruling party. They casted their votes to safeguard something far more fundamental and important: democracy. 

Who are we to say that they made the right choice or not? Hell, is there even right or wrong in democracy in the first place? It is "rule of the people" not "rule of the parliament". It is true that parliament can legislate whatever they want, but it is the people who empower them to do so. There can be a day when we, as a country, decide that it is in the best interest of the people to vote for freedom of press above social stability, or maybe to vote for a ban on inhumane punishments but settle for slower economic development. Are we supposed to be our own decision makers or do we need our founding fathers to teach us what is good or bad for us? With democracy, it will, no, it always has to be the former. Today the people living in Aljunied voted in 6 oppositions members into parliament. What can 6 votes do to 81? Probably nothing. But tomorrow our next generation will be reminded that they have a voice and that they ought to be heard. That is truly something to be proud of. From today onwards, if any foreigners mock our democracy process for being a self-consoling delusion, I'll at least know deep down that Singaporeans know better than anyone else when to put a bigger cause before their own needs.It is an act that asks for wisdom and courage and yet, quoting a former MP who stood against the ruling party for 20 odd years, "I'm not actually a brave man..." 

MM Lee is right, we will live to repent. But let's not forget that it is not the agony of repent that we fear, it is the right to democracy that we are so afraid to lose. That 6 seats in parliament is not just the biggest victory for the opposition, but also for the people of Singapore. 

It has been a while since I felt enthusiastic about writing here; be it about my life in London or thoughts that I have had. This entry will include a bit of both. Before continuing, I must make the disclaimer that the author does not have any religious affiliations and that the author did not intend to pass any insensitive remarks or discuss any content inaccurately. If the reader is easily offended by the above mentioned, he/she should read on at his/her own risk.

After the routine gym class earlier, I decided to attend the weekly OCF meeting held at ULU. To be honest I wasn't so sure about showing up because, first, I would have been at least an hour late, second, it is already nearing the end of the academic year and lastly (a most minor and insignificant point), I'm not a believer. However, yuchian had been asking me to join them for weeks and she is one of those whom you can't comfortably say no to. Hence I showed up at ULU (surprise surprise, it is the back-up room for my latin classes) and rewarded myself with the awkward stares from those who didn't know me as well as those who knew me (well enough to know that I am not, you know...)

After a slightly awkward introduction that followed... (okay, this is not doing justice to those who were in my group, they were actually really friendly and welcoming) I was in yuchian's group with (in sitting order) Edward, Jireh, Ben(jamin), Minghao, Ruiling, Monica, and Stacey. They were discussing questions that had arisen from the verses in Roman 13. I suppose what made this experience slightly different from all my rest is the fact that the discussions about the applications were in the areas which I can empthise with; as opposed to a middle-aged pastor's preaching or maybe a very abstract, theoretical study of the Bible. I'll try to reiterate as many of the intriguing questions that arose as I can.

1) Value: To follow authority
Question: Whether it is always right to follow instructions, even in the case of a serviceman in the likes of a Nazi Germany regime.
There were a couple of stories shared about believers who lied and hid jews from the soldiers or SS so as to protect them. The difficult in reconciling with the teaching arose from the attempt to justify choosing between values which lead to conflicting results. The group leader mentioned something about the possibility to arriving at the same result without the actor's intervention (ie even if the person who hid the Jews did not lie, they might still be saved in another manner). This hinges a little on deterministic ideas. What concerned me was the similarity that this scenario shared with some criminal cases that I studied. My stance remained the same in that the end justifies the means. I never perceived any rules to be rigid enough to warrant no contravention under even the most extreme situations. Edward curiously mentioned Asimov's 3 laws of robotics, which I don't think everyone was familiar with. I did not see his point at first but soon realised that it is another scenario in which strict adherence to certain doctrines can lead to catastrophic outcomes (which was the exact reason that triggered the circumvention of the 3 laws). Back to the point of following authority, I still have a mixed view. It is in the best interest of the organisation that only the top leadership makes the big decisions. To question its validity at every level of management will render any action impossible. Then again, "just following instructions" was and never will be a sufficient justification to commit atrocities. This is simply because we are not automatons that can shed all responsibilities just by throwing the blame on our superiors. Once again this is in direct conflict with what I purported earlier, that the end justifies the means. Hence, to put my stance in the most extreme situation, if Nazi Germany won the 2nd world war, their act of genocide will not be deemed cruel and unlawful. That of course, is not how I perceive it. 

2) Value: To love others as much as one loves oneself
Question: Why do we love those around us? 
This bit is a lot more interesting as I wasn't aware of the belief that since we are created in the image of God and that God loves all, therefore we are capable of loving all too. The discussion got even more exciting when everyone started suggesting how non believers can also love. Someone said that it is because there is a bit of the holy spirit in everyone hence the ability to love disregards faith. That wasn't agreed by everyone because apparently there is something (I can't rmb what) which only believers possess. The other explanation was that regardless of faith, everyone was still created in the image of God hence having no physical difference in construction. The ability to love all is hence inherited by all. 
As a non-believer, I attempted the question differently in my mind. The idea of love, hate and most other emotions stem from reciprocity. Logically, if someone loves you and treats you well, it is almost instinctive to love and be nice in return. Conversely, if someone attempts to harm you physically, you may instinctively avoid or retaliate with the same amount of harm or hatred. This of course is not true for all cases. We are intelligent beings and it is reasonable for us to choose the way we react. There are cases of one sided love as well as people who are unbelievably forgiving. With some soul searching I do feel that I want to be nicer to people who are nice to me or whom I want to be nice to me. I am not sure if I can love all but it almost never seem too daunting to try. 
The more challenging question was the method of loving oneself as much as one loves others. My group generally seem to perceive human beings to be more likely to put their own interest before others. I seem to think of it the other way. It is foreseeable and morally acceptable for one to have one's own interest at top priority when taking food at a buffet. However how would a person normally react when there is a shortage of food and the amount available is only sufficient to keep one person alive (when 2 friends are trapped in a cave maybe)? I can hardly ever imagine myself snatching that chance of survival for the guilt that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. In any scenario, I find myself more prone to putting other's interest before mine. This is especially true when the stake is huge. My question is how in every scenario, can we distribute love equally? Do i split the sustenance with my friend in the cave and cause the both of us to die? Do I desperately hang onto the only parachute and kill the both of us? Can 2 deaths ever be better than 1? This puzzles me. 

3) Question: Believers are promised to be fed and clothed, what about the starving believers in third world countries?
Minghao's question about a verse in Matthew if I remember correctly. After a vaguely heated discussion, there are many suggestions as to how trust should not be based on observable rewards and how perception of being clothed and being fed differs in different social context. A mildly humourous yet valid point is that if we are to claim that people in third world countries are not sufficiently fed, the fact that many of them are still living deserves some explanation. I believe that they are not fed or clothed to a standard which we perceive acceptable but that does not mean that they have not been clothed or fed at all. Before I elaborate on my point and address the issue of people dying from hunger or malnutrition, I want to explore something which yuchian shared about her mother's beliefs. 
In short, the idea is that God has his reasons and methods, most often beyond human understanding. That being said, just because there are natural catastrophe as well as death, it doesn't allow us to question the validity of God's decisions and actions. Faith is not based upon what we ask of God but how we have unfaltering trust in him. 
This came across as a very valid logical form of reasoning despite asking for unquestioning faith (which in some ways is the definition of faith anyways). To use an analogy, if I meet a person today and I need to entrust him with certain information, there is no way for me to be absolutely sure whether he is trustworthy or not. I may get testimonies or references to his character and form a prediction but that still does not guarantee the outcome. Furthermore even if he has abused my trust, I am still not able to conclude that he is completely untrustworthy. The only way for me to find out if I can trust him with Task A will be to let him complete Task A, no other ways seem possible.
Moving on, the question of why are some believers not fed or clothed.
My explanation is that God never give you what you physically need. The fact that I am hungry right now will not warrant a plate of Char Kway Teow appearing before me. The hunger drives me to search food. In my case with considerable ease as I take some cash and walk to the nearest chinese restaurant to order one. Regardless of how easy it is to obtain food or clothes, it is impossible for one to do it with zero effort. Hence how are we to say that someone living in a third world country is any different in the sense that they are driven to find food when they experience hunger? One may argue that the outcome is drastically different because I get to find my food but the person living in a third world country will ultimately fail to do the same.
Firstly, I will argue that the pursuit of a better quality of life cannot be viewed on an individual level. This is simply an economics idea. The collective drive of a population to be well fed will lead to a pattern of resource allocation that will maximise consumption. In a third world country it is the same, the collective need for better living conditions will drive the population in a certain direction. It may start from primitive methods such as collecting plants, rainwater but eventually the goal is to be able meet the needs of the population.
Secondly, on the point of people dying from hunger, I contend that it is an inevitable part of the process. No one escapes death, so it does not make a fundamental difference that we die for various reasons. I can be well fed and well clothed my whole life. However, in an expedition to the North Pole, I made a serious underestimation as to the warm clothing that I need. If in that case I die because I wasn't sufficiently clothed, does that mean God has not provided me sufficiently? The reason of my death is not that God did not provide but rather when the need arise I am not able to secure the clothing/ food. How is my encounter in the strictest sense fundamentally different from an average 30 year old person who eventually dies of hunger in a third world country? He had the urge, he could not find the means as well. What about me getting knocked over by a car on my way to purchase my pack of cha kway teow? It is true that I did not die from hunger but I did die in the pursuit of getting fed. How is that different from a man in a third world country risking his life to earn money enough to feed himself? 

Slotted between those serious questions were a number of theories and ideas that mixed a small amount of logic with a huge load of humour. Here are some of the funny bits which I thought were worth sharing: 

1) By the evolution idea of survival of the fittest, the prettier women would have been eliminated because they are more likely to find mates and hence get pregnant. When they are pregnant, it is harder for them to run away from the cheetahs which prey on men. (says yuchian) 

Response 1: That is why woman always look for stronger man as her mate for protection.
Response 2: It doesn't matter if she is pregnant what, even a human being who is not pregnant cannot outrun a cheetah. 
Response 3: BUT cheetahs will eat the pregnant woman first because she will look as though she has more flesh. 

2) How people in the past find their mates. 

Jireh: the men will say "me love you" (deep voice), use the club to whack the woman and bring them back
After that there was a joke about how 8 ppl travelling became 9 ppl because one of them used a club to bring a woman back.

3) Another evolution theory: if all the nice self-sacrificial people give their lives for others, eventually none of them will be left. 

4) The reason for self-help payment kiosks, suggested by Edward.
The person who invented it must've been embarrassed trying to avoid eye contact when buying condoms or female sanitary products

I realise that in my reasonings I tried my best to explain ideas in such a way that is compatible with what is in the Bible. This is not because I find myself becoming a believer. I find it engaging to consider how, if I were to become a believer, will I reconcile my personal beliefs with Biblical doctrines. When I can eventually find a compatible answer to all the clashes of ideologies (or the failure to do so), I believe I will no longer be slightly embarrassed to declare my faith (whatever it may be by then). 

Jia you bah 

Given that I wasn't informed that it would unlawful to publish the questionnaire, here is the reply that I've sent to Men's health for the Belly-off article which they've published in the November 2010 issue. The intention of this is first, to show how most of my quotes in the article were taken out of context and second, to share my story and give a little motivation to anyone who is obese and especially those who dislike being so.

Interview Questions
(Do try to be as narrative as you can for these questions. Put in any details, and include anything you feel is particularly important about your journey.)

Personal Information
Full Name: Lu Zhengyou
Age: 21
Occupation: Student
Height: 175
Previous Weight: 109
Current Weight: 75
Time taken to lose the weight (months/years): 2 years

Answer:

The Setback – what was the situation like when you were overweight?
Describe some of the experiences you had with other people, your dietary habits, your perception of yourself, your relationship to fitness/exercising, etc.

Answer: Being fat has its fair share of comedy as well as misery. The seats on trains and buses do not provide ample space for your butt and the pants sold at most fashion outlets do not accommodate your thighs. I was fat since my pre-school years. There was a cuteness to it at first, but when I grew physically larger than an average human being, I find myself literally a “walking slab of concrete” especially in crowded public areas. Having said so, being fat does not necessitate that you be deemed a social outcast, but small reminders which suggest that “you are a little out of place” appear unfailingly in daily life. One such reminder came in the form of teases and sarcastic remarks. It is quite bearable when one has gotten used to it really, but that doesn't take the stinging feeling away. It is not by chance that your most obese friends happen to be the jolliest of all too. We know that we do not look (or smell) appealing and so we try to be likeable by being funny. Deep down, we somehow believed that if we weren't even fun to tease, no one will have any reason to befriend us. It was an inexplicable fear that consumed us. Obesity is a disease that feeds on itself (pun intended) : the fatter I grew, the harder it was for me to lose weight. Like my father used to advise in mandarin, nothing happens overnight. It is true that eating one more cookie before closing the jar wouldn't make you fat; however doing that every single day will. I used to exercise as well. Sadly, an afternoon on the basketball court usually qualified me for two 1.5L bottles of soft drink. Perspiring a little was sufficient reason for a feast as well. I had an unending, unquenchable thirst for food. I just couldn't stop eating.

The Wake-Up Call – when did you realise that you had to do something about your weight?
What made you decided to start to do something about your weight?

Answer: On the day of my enlistment, I was transferred from the 15-week BMT program to the 26-week course due to an unforeseen increase in my body mass index. The half-platoon that shared my fate was probably the most upset persons on the island that night. The thought of being away from my loved ones regularly for six months was simply unbearable. I did not so much as decide to lose weight as the army has already decided for me. It was a strict regime targeted solely at weight loss. We were barred from possessing any food and we were never given night snacks. The best we had was the occasional hot but extremely diluted milo.
Imagine a hundred and fifty fat boys forced to work out more than they ever did but given less than half of what they usually ate. It was no surprise that at the end of our six month training, only two third remained. However, the whole program would not have been a success if the targeted party had no intention whatsoever to lose weight. Sharing the same goal, my brothers and I were a bonded bunch. As we observed water dripping from our bodies onto the floor everyday, be it rain or shine, we slowly came to realize that sweat and tears aren't that different from each other. One, they are both salty. Two, every single drop reminded us that we can be stronger than we've ever imagined. The pat on the shoulder and the simple encouragement “hang in there, we are in this together” meant the world to me. We couldn't bear to disappoint one another, but above all, we couldn't bear to disappoint ourselves.

The Plan – this includes nutrition & exercise. (Describe your nutrition and exercise plan)
Food
What did you have to change about your eating habits?
Were there any particular foods you gave up on?
What was the diet(s) you took on for yourself?
How did you stick to your nutrition plan?
Fitness
What was your exercise plan?
Frequency of exercise?
Type of exercise?
How did you stay disciplined and on track?

Answer (Food): Eat less. This is the golden rule for me. Gradually, I adopted other habits. For example: eating small, albeit more frequent meals; reading the nutrition information to count the calories; choosing variations that are high in fibre; no food before bedtime and others. I understood that losing weight is simply an arithmetic issue. There is a value to my daily calorie intake as well as my daily calorie output. If there is surplus, you gain weight and vice versa. Changing one's habit is easier said than done. Fortunately for me, there was the decisive force forcing me to abide by the plan. The first step is often the hardest. The process of adopting a new dietary plan resembles learning how to ride a bicycle. Finding the balance is the hardest part and it takes many tries to get it right. There is no fast and easy way to it, you'd just have to force yourself back onto the seat every time you fall, praying that your next attempt will be a success. Once you've started the wheel rolling, all you need to do is just peddle on.

Answer (Fitness): Exercising to keep in shape is a continuous process. Everyone finds different motivations to keep at it. Some of my friends enjoy a certain sport and so they stick to it as their choice of exercise. I choose to set myself goals to work towards. My goals are the marathons. Running marathons can be a dangerous affair when attempted without sufficient conditioning. Hence to prepare myself for the marathons, I will device a training regime months before. I set goals for each of my training sessions in terms of distance as well as timing. I do not achieve my goals sometime but since it is a continuous process, there is always the next training to achieve it. Trainings interestingly follow the economics Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns. Training a specific group of muscles repeatedly somewhat lowers their improvement after each workout hence I do a variety of different sports occasionally like rock-climbing, cycling and swimming to engage different muscle groups. Variety is a good morale booster as well.

The Reward – this is about the end results (your current self)
How do you feel about yourself today?
What do you think is the biggest thing you’ve gained for yourself throughout this process? (Can be physically, health-wise, emotionally, mentally, socially etc.)
Is there anything you would like to share with aspiring Belly-Off Club wannabes?

Answer: I have discovered that bus seats can be quite spacious and pants are not made solely for anorexic people. It may seem rather queer and depressing but the world has become a friendlier place. The biggest reward for me was the gain in self-confidence. That boost in confidence is quoted so often that it has become severely underrated. Apart from the common definitions of a raise in confidence relating to social interactions, the gain that was most apparent to me is the way it completely overrode all my past notions of what is physically impossible. 2 years ago, I was almost 110 kilo grammes, 2 months ago, I completed a 84km ultra-marathon.

3 Tips

Find the most important reason for you to lose weight, remind yourself of that reason every single day.
Find motivations from your loved ones, your dreams or maybe just yourself. You can never have enough motivations, unlike food.
Find out for yourself the happiness that you'll feel upon your success.

There are 3 people in my family; my dad, mum and I. Ever since we migrated to Singapore, reunion dinner had mostly been an affair that involved just the 3 of us. My dad and mum would both cook and put up a feast. It is usually way more than what the 3 of us can finish, but it is new years, and that's how it should be.

The 3 of us eat together all the time, so it is not nearly as dramatic as a big family dinner on new year's eve. Nonetheless, it felt special.

We would sit together after the dinner to watch the telecast of China's new year's eve show on TV. It is the most viewed television programme in China each year. I have lost a lot of my Chinese roots but I take some pride in the fact that I can appreciate certain comedy elements of the show that I don't think my Singaporean friends can understand.

I would then stay up until past midnight because of an old tradition. It is called 守岁，which literally means guarding the age; if one stays up past the midnight on new year's eve, one's parent would have longevity. My father still stays up even though both of his parents have left.

When the clock strikes 12, we would watch the fireworks through the big windows in the living room. That is also the time when we would eat dumplings. It is supposed to signify wealth and prosperity since they are shaped like a gold nugget. It is one of my favourite dishes of all.

Before I go to bed, I'll receive 2 red packets from my parents. They are to be kept under the pillow for the night for reasons I can no longer recall. As I grew up, the amount in them didn't increase accordingly. Hence when I was a kid, it was relatively a large sum of money in my eyes. It is only when I got older that I realise that the happiness from receiving those red packets didn't diminish with the value of the notes in them. The value lies in the tradition; in the love that is conveyed by an elder in the family towards the young ones. It is something so vital that I would do the same for my child in hopes that he/she will pass on the tradition. It defines us.

This is the first time I've ever spent a new year's eve without red packets, without dumplings, without fireworks and television programme and most importantly without a reunion. I am glad that being abroad allowed me to understand, more than ever, the tiny little aspects of such festivals that played such important roles in my subconscious mind.

I was up past midnight today.

Leaving someone from a school in a military institution is rough, so is putting that person back in school.

Doesn't make matters any better when everything else is new as well. It is admittedly fun, refreshing, sometimes crazy, but at the same time the experience is surprisingly alienating. From a different perspective, being part of something different is also being in a time or place where you don't belong. Understanding how it feels to be in a minority group is an important experience I suppose. It'll take a while I think.

It is ironic how I chanced upon Radiohead's Creep and is listening to it right now.

Maybe I'll be fine in a month or two, maybe I won't. For now, it is hard to not feel lonely sometimes. London's a big city; it is easy to find yourself lost in the streets, amongst the billboards and bright lights. It is unsettling when you realize that you are not just physically lost.

Nothing a good night's sleep wouldn't solve, for now.

Jia you bah.

Remember the times when you were completely obsessed with toys, and that one particular toy stood out from the rest. It was the most prized possession of all; the one which followed you everywhere you went; the one that you couldn't live without. It was the toy which you held onto tightly before placing it back on the shelf to go to bed. It was the first thing you laid your hands on every morning, before breakfast, before school.

That toy could fit into all of your imaginary stories. It would be the hero in all of them as well. You played with it all the time and due to that, the toy had your marks all over it. The paint and stickers had peeled a little; the threads had become loose at some parts; it had also turned a little grey because you dropped it onto a dusty surfaces some time back.

With all your experiences with previous toys, you knew very well then that one day 'the toy' would be broken somehow. That didn't change the way you took care of it. On the contrary, a hidden corner in you wanted it to be broken. It was a strange urge. You would occasionally feel like stomping on it till it becomes completely shattered.

When we love something so much that we know we can't love it any more than we already have, isn't complete destruction the only thing left to do?

You couldn't do it of course. 'The toy' was too precious to be treated with such cruelty. You tried to be careful when handling it because you knew precisely where were the fragile parts. Inevitably, a part of it came off one day. The damage was irreparable, or at least not economically viable to repair. Regardless, you knew that you could no longer play with it. The incident spoiled your entire day and you felt somewhat depressed for the days that followed as well. No toy could replace its position, not even an exact copy from the store.

There was a constant ache in your heart but at the same time, you were at peace.

Since the toy was already broken, it could not be broken again. The worst was over somehow.

That is the moment when we start to let go and forget; when we move on.

Favorite passage from the above-mentioned chapter of Orwell's 1984:

The smell of her hair,
the taste of her mouth,
the feeling of her skin seemed to have got inside him,
or into the air all round him.

She had become a physical necessity,
something that he not only wanted
but felt that he had a right to.

When she said that she could not come,
he had the feeling that she was cheating him.

But just at this moment the crowd pressed them together and their hands accidentally met.

She gave the tips of his fingers a quick squeeze that seemed to invite not desire

but affection.

It struck him that when one lived with a woman
this particular disappointment must be a normal, recurring event;

and a deep tenderness, such as he had not felt for her before, suddenly took hold of him.

Maybe it is an attempt to relive the period during your formal education when you were still required to wear a uniform.

Imparting knowledge can be such a humbling experience.

Sometimes, we procrastinate because deep down, we hope that something that has the magnitude of importance to change we decision can happen. Maybe the possibility is minute and the overwhelming odds point at you merely delaying the completion of your task but you still defiantly choose to hang on for a little longer. (you being me in this case)(And striking resemblence to my students refusing to submit their assignments!)

I should book my flight as soon as possible. Maybe that will be when I know for certain that there is no turning back.

It is not that I don't want to go, but that there are too many reasons to stay as well.

0-10. Full of energy and a little impatient. Few people realise that you cant just rush through the entire journey. It is never too early to go a little slow; slow enough to savour the little moments.

10-20. Warmed up and on form. Your blood is flowing and your body mechanisms are working in your favour. Cheat yourself into believing that you can maintain that speed forever. The best time to disregard all advice given.

21. Half way point of the first round. The peak. From this moment on, your body will just fail you gradually.

21-30. A little tired but still steady and strong. Ignore the signs at your own peril. For those few enlightened ones, you know it is alright to go a little slow. For those who are still in denial have already begun to walk.

30-40. You think you see the end but it is merely the halfway mark. Then again, there is not harm in deluding yourself once in a while. Pick up a little, maybe it is a good rehearsal for your eventual finish.

42. Halfway done. You hit a rest point. Familiar faces and comfort food. What seems like heaven is actually the most dangerous place of all. Many decide to stop a while longer than they planned; many decide to give up altogether. Someone coined a term for this phenomenon, something about a crisis, in the middle of life?

40-50. It feels like starting all over again. You retrace the steps that you have taken. The only difference being the expanded company. They behave a little like you in your first round. They run; they think you can finish it in one breath. Oh, now we know how foolish that idea is.

50-60. You are a little amazed that you are still on it. Giving up? Anytime now. It doesn't take much to give in actually. First you find all the reasons to carry on and refute them one by one. For the reasons you cannot give an excuse for, they are not that important anyways. You want to be free, and that is worth everything.

60-70. For the first time, if you manage to go this far, the end feels near. Might be quite a pity to give up now. However, your body is failing you. You feel the pain in areas where you never knew you could even feel. Why am I doing this? The question doesn't seem that important anymore. Leave the self-reflection for later; just run for now.

70-80. Someone in his first round ran past and took a look at you. He realised that you are in your second round. He showed some respect. That short exchange seemed like a long conversation. Nearing the end however did not change the fact that what used to be painful only got worse. If you are lucky, you may find an old friend or two. They take your mind off the pain temporarily. Nothing to complain about that.

80-84. You count down to the end. Just when you think you can sprint to the end, another part of you, the wiser half, reminds you that this leg of the journey is the most crucial. You've done so well thus far, it will be foolish to let a moment of impulse destroy all that you've done.

End. Endings are always overrated. Nonetheless, enjoy the sunrise at the end of your journey. Last night the sun set for you, but today the sun rises for someone else.

A metaphor? A metaphor.

21, that is a quarter.

Last wednesday was the day i turned 21. Contrary to the common practice of holding a huge party inviting all the friends you've ever known, I did the opposite by removing my birthday from facebook. I hoped few will remember and therefore few will ask if there is a party. So, if you were invited to my 21st birthday party, rest assured that nothing of that sort actually happened! =D My reasons are simple, but for the sake of those who are still planning for their 21st party, I shall omit that from this entry. I do agree that it is an occasion worth celebrating, but thats not the reason for me to write this post.

Mentioned earlier, I took down my birthday from Fb, which has been the only source of bdae information lately. To my utmost surprise, many (and i do mean many) people remembered. My birthday proper wasnt spent doing anything exciting, it was a rather mellow and half depressing day. But when i reached home close to midnight and saw the posts on my wall, I think a part of me just melted. It just felt really good to see all the "happy birthdays".

I had some thoughts about birthdays lately, it is as if on a person's birthday, he or she is the most important person in the world just for that day. Regardless of everything else, the birthday boy or girl gets all the attention and well wishes. Maybe our relative importance in each other's life does diminish as we meet more people, but on each one's birthday we remind ourselves the importance of our friends, acquaintances, one by one.

My birthday, though not celebrated with a party, gave me the opportunity to have some nice moments with some special people. There were meals, surprises, calls, letters and also just online conversations and smses. It is awkward to pen it here but I do feel loved.

Before I end this post, I have a confession to make. I did not make any birthday wishes this year. It is not because my life is perfect but rather that I couldn't think of anything. Maybe in a way there isnt something I want so badly as to wish it, or maybe I just dont believe in wishes anymore. Hence in reality, all the times when i held my fingers, closed my eyes for a moment, I was actually thinking, "oh man, what should I wish for? am I taking too long? maybe I should just open my eyes now and blow the candle, if not it'll be awkward." And subsequently open my eyes in the most natural way and extinguish the candles...

Peace out =)

It has almost been a month since I last blogged. During that time I have quitted my job at IPTO and commenced my internship at legal aid. It is a really fun place. Maybe fun isnt the appropriate word, but i do enjoy my time there. The coming week will be my last. Though I wish to spend more time there, I'll follow the footsteps of the former AG and leave the place obediently and not outstay our welcome period.

argh i want to sleep. i'll finish this another day.

Sometimes i think there's nothing nobler than devoting one's life to the act of saving others'. It seems as though a surgeon's sole purpose is to make sure that his patients get another chance to find and realise theirs'.

Conversely, if the procedure fails, the surgeon will also be the person to break the news.

Maybe it is the same for a defence attorney. I wonder how it is like to inform the mother of your client that you did all that you can but her son is still due to be hanged.

Do you... apologise?

We tune our instruments before we practise; before we rehearse; before we perform.

The concert begins when the tuning stops.

[This entry is written entirely on the journey to work 15/3/10]

Courage is about waking up on Monday morning, with absolutely nothing to look forward to, skip breakfast and go to work.

Don't get me wrong, this is nothing compared to the amount of dread on the same Monday morning in army. the military service provides an exceptionally violent wake-up call on such ocassions, making my current ordeal seem much more mellow. I suppose a lousy start of the week can only be explained by the weekend that preceded it.

The second weekend of Mar lied somehwere between awesome and practically-nothing-happened. Aside from an uneventful saturday afternoon and the entire evening of AAR that followed. I can't point my finger at anything to explain my man-pms behavior. Perhaps the following excuse can redeem some credit for myself.

[Listening to: Be be your love by Yamagata]

Weekends are times when we review our actions for the past week subconsciously, simultaneously planning and anticipating the week ahead. It is like a year in micro terms (a day would hence be a year in nano terms) Studies have shown that sales of tobacco companies dropped sharply during the new year period of each year, bouncing back only in 1 or 2 months' time. Such observation can be attributed to our desire to set and attain our resolutions. The weekend had been the same for me. I spent quite a lot of time rethinking my options as well as goals in the short span of three days. My conclusion, however, is that my current involvements dont seem to play a substantial part to lead me to my future endeavours. Monday conveniently became the worst day of the micro year because it is the same as my previous Monday; because nothing changed; because i am still, smoking (metaphorically).

Time for some change perhaps, now that takes true courage.

公平正义比太阳还要有光辉。- 中国总理温家宝

"Justice and equality shines brighter than even the Sun" - Chinese Premier Wen Jia Bao

As a student I used to look forward to the holidays. Regardless of how it is spent, the break from routine school life always meant a great deal to me. I remember holidays spent solely in Shanghai with relatives equally well as those spent almost exclusively in school. It is such a wonderful period of time because of the anticipation that builds up prior to it. We dream, in class, about the craziest things to do and thereafter unfailingly postpone all of them to the holidays. As we grow up, we all come to admit that there are some things which we will just never do, be it holidays or not.

Apart for those crazy dreams (or rather, crazily expensive dreams), I have decided to do as much as that which is humanly possible in these 10 months or so. Life could have been a lot easier if I chose to stay at home and merge with the sofa into a couch potato. It would have been equally entertaining. However, I did everything but stayed at home. Actually, I met someone. He told me that I should throw myself into the society and see what it has to offer. He told me not to be afraid to commit; to meet people and to be part of something. He seemed cool and popular and therefore I complied. He, however, didn't warn me how addictive it can be; how hard it will be to let go. Maybe he didn't know as well. The person I met is my innate self.

As a young man, I sense the need to put an expiry date on all my involvements. As counter-intuitive as it may be, there seem to me, to be something meant for each stage of our youth. It is only when we are sufficiently old, when we have experienced so much that nothing can be considered "new", then we can devote the "rest of our lives" to one or a handful of causes. Knowing the existence of an expiry date can be rather daunting; knowing the exact date just seems to leave a full stop even before the sentence has been written. I am enjoying every last bit of my life right now, and that is exactly why it will be so damn hard to leave it all behind some day.

Vacations are like commas which provide a break for the subsequent highlights. Ironically, this long vacation may just be the most definitive period of my life thus far. Though I may still be unable to realise my childhood holiday-fantasies, it is very reassuring to acknowledge the fulfillment of other fantasies which I have never even dared to dream of.

Jia you bah.

The situation where events unfold in a way that fulfills a relatively small probability has been a source of fascination lately. Given common sense, we are usually able to deduce the likely from the unlikely. Given sufficient information, we can even conjure plausible predictions. What are the chances of the impossible happening then? What if when you flip a coin its neither heads nor tails? Is a negligible probability equivalent to zero probability?

Rhetorics aside, I admit that I kinda enjoy factoring in this minute uncertainty in daily life. Though it can be really unrealistic and foolish, I secretly wish for the improbable to happen everyday, be it good or bad.

All too often we tell ourselves "that is quite impossible" but once things happen otherwise, we'd just quietly analyse the causation and realise how inevitable some things can be. Whilst we live our life thinking that we have complete control over decisions and outcomes, the path we thread may just lead to a place we least expect ourselves to be.

This post goes to all IPTO colleagues who say "today is my last day" every single day and returns to work 830 sharp the next. =)